I’m not much of a fasion person. I wore sweatpants until the seventh grade and immediately jumped on the baggy pants and chain wallet bandwagon. They weren’t good years those ones, but I slowly progressed, and I think/hope I learned how to dress myself a little better. I tossed out the oshgosh clothes and moved on to things like jeans. Surprisingly, at around this time I also started to make friends.
Now, I’m no expert, but there are several fashions that are thriving in Germany that need to be addressed. Last week, I went to a family barbecue with my host family. There I encountered the once extinct full sweatsuit. An old man was wearing it, he was shaped sort of like a ball and pulled his pants up so high he was in danger suffocating his manhood. He had tucked in his matching sweatshirt which proudly stated “grand slam fashion”, as if this gave it credibility. He looked something like the offspring of an oompa loompa and a grape. Whoever designed these articles and sold them should get a public caning. I was hoping to enjoy my food but instead was forced to look at Old Man Grape.
Another fashion I’ve noticed is the tendency to copy soccer players’ haircuts. They may be good at soccer, but it looks like someone savagely killed a rabid squirrel and glued the remains to their heads. I swear I hear the haircuts growling at me every time I walk by. Their favorite seems to be a variation of the mullet.
There’s also a hip-hop subculture. In a country that once focused on how white you can be, they now seem to have a violent affection to the African-American rap culture, while maintaining some racist tendencies. Yesterday I walked by a store promising to “pimp my style”. I almost went in.
I think I’m going to pimp my style by wearing a full purple sweatsuit and growing a mullet. I’ll blend in much better.