This is a comprehensive guide to some of the most ancient dance moves. If you follow this guide you will be sure to have a good time and be considered a terrible dancer. A warning – use at your own risk.
Butt Spin – This is an easy move to master and an awkward party favorite. It is usually seen when someone who doesn’t normally dance drinks a bit too much and suddenly can’t stop moving to those beats. The subject stands straight with their hands firmly pressed against their sides and then spins their buttocks in a circular motion as quickly as possible.
Malfunctioning Robot – Yes, we all know the robot, but this one seems to have been programed with one move that repeats to infinity. The most usual malfunction is a stiff twist of the body and then one holds out their arm at a 90 degree angle letting their upper arm dangle to and fro.
The Messed Up 80’s Dance – We all know it and this move can achieve maximal awkwardness if the subject performing it falls over in an attempt. This move requires maximal concentration and being such is usually seen being performed with a desperate look in the eye and a biting of the lower lip. To perform grab one of your ankles and pull it toward your arse. Take your other arm and put it behind your head. Dip your head forward and ass out. Straighten. Rinse. Repeat.
Dead Worm – This move is also know as the Faceplant. Everyone has seen the infamous worm on the picture box, and gotten the idea to attempt this at some party. The chosen awkward few will leap into the air and with a sudden realization of horror their body will freeze into a plank like position whilst in midair. Time seems to slow down. Everything goes quite. The person hits the ground. There is a gasp from someone in the corner who you probably thought was cute. People look away. You hurt.
Look! I’ve got a Load in my Diaper! – An awkward classic, and the name describes why. The subject pushes out their rear as far as they can preferably pushing someone into a table. They then stick out their hands forward as far as they can. The subject then jiggles like they’ve eaten the entire menu at Taco Bell and taken Milk of Magnesia. Loud grunts will perfect this move.
The Roof is on Fire – Yes you must raise the roof but it is on fire. Your hands go up but your face keeps making that awkward look like “Yes, this hurts, but I must keep doing it”. Your creepy smile makes it all the more awkward.
Tap Dance – If you are a good tap dancer, this is amazing, but most of us aren’t. Hence randomly breaking into a tap dance routine will be sure to stop any nearby conversation.
Spin Random Partner in a Destructive Orgy – No, you don’t care that your in a confined space. Nor do you care that their are people around you, many of which are holding drinks. You get that giddy smile once that slow quite song comes on and you grab some helpless victim by the hands and spin. My god you spin! It’s glorious! This move is usually ended by a fight or an ejection from the party.
Weird couple in the Corner – Awkward groping – Check. Made up dance moves – Check. Dancing completely to a song in their heads – Check.
Thumb butt plugs – Why can’t everyone see that these butts must be plugged? You raise your thumbs with pride and move them up and down getting closer to your next target. People run away in horror, but all you want to do is help them.
Know of any others?
Njsul is in Prague and Berlin this week. I will be back soon though.