How to ride a Streetcar in Germany

Rules to look like a local in Germany on a streetcar:

1) If you are between the ages of 12 and 18, you must have a cell phone that is playing music. You will speak loudly and laugh at everyone you see.

2) If you are homeless, extremely aggressive, or drunk, you will sit next to the most innocent looking person on the tram and start to harass them.

3) If it is earlier then 10:00 am, you assume a glazed zombie look in your eyes and a severe frown.

4) If you are over the age of 60, please follow rule #3. Also, mumbling about “degenerate youths” and “foreigners” is acceptable.

6) If you are a university student, you must be reading something serious and look annoyed.

7) There is no smiling unless you are drunk, or under the age of 18.

8 ) If you are a tourist, you look around suspiciously whilst trying to ride the streetcar illegally. Inevitably, you will be caught and resort to your native tongue pleading that you are a tourist. This does not work.

9) If you are a ticket checker, you have a sadistic pleasure in demanding fines from tourists because this of course promotes the tourist industry in your wonderful city.

10) If you are a tram driver, you look to stop and start at unexpected times to make people fall over. Also, you never wait for a person running to catch the streetcar. Instead you wait until are an arms length away, and you close the door. You will then smile and wave while the helpless victim misses their 100 euro train ride and flight.

11) If you are under the age of 6, you must scream for as long as you can.

12) If you are sick, you will sneeze and cough on everyone within a 10 foot radius.

These are some rules for riding a streetcar in Germany.

Know of any others?



Filed under how to, insanity

3 responses to “How to ride a Streetcar in Germany

  1. Sophie

    Very astute. I have to confess I follow #6 religiously.

  2. totallyboeckmann

    13.) Plan on purchasing a ticket once you’re already in the tram? You will inevitably be forced to take the awkward “tram walk of shame” to the conductor and ask him for a ticket. While doing so, people will be staring at you dreadfully as you as if you were Nick Nolte because you will undoubtedly be making them 30 seconds late for wherever they need to be.

    14.) Want to bring your vicious dog into the tram? Thats not a problem at all. It’s also ok if he barks uncontrollably even if he is directing his anger towards a random citizen. Contrary to popular belief, it is very cute and funny.

    and last but not least….

    15.) If a ticket inspector happens to enter the tram and you don’t have a ticket, quickly try to get off the tram before the doors close and if that doesn’t work, simply take your friend’s valid ticket and hope that he/she has a valid student card of sorts.

  3. Miranda

    An essential word f0r the morning German frown: Morgen Muffel. The only way to fit in is to adapt it.

    They DO NOT:

    Make much noise, unless they are drunk, a child, or a tourist. If you are one of the three, you will be looked at with the “Major Muffel”, which is only reserved for special occasions.

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