I was up in Vermont way back in February or March hanging out with Josh, cookin’, snowboardin’, drinkin’ and talkin’, and the third night we got into a pretty heated game of Scrabble. We each got some really shitty letter picks early on, (I had 4 O’s, 2 A’s and a Y at one point) so the game was slow-goin’. To make a long story short, I had put ‘gild’ down (like, to cover in gold, not guild, for which Josh yelled at me) and one space above that, Josh had put ‘perm’ (like the indefinable thing women get done to their hair).

During one particularly slow patch when Josh was looking for a way to ditch his abundance of vowels, he asked me, “you’ve heard of perm-a-gild, right”? I was drunk enough that I could not stop laughing. After the game ended, I began to actually think about the concept of Permagild. It struck me as the perfect name for a business.

Picture the following scenarios (and pretend you live in a trailer and wear a mumu (moo-moo?) all day, you redneck loser): your child outgrows his first pair of shoes and you want to remember him as being that small forever. Your wife gives you a rose for valentines day and you never want it to wilt. Your lap-dog dies and you desperately need a paper weight. Your pet fish died so you’d like a keychain made out of him. Answer? PERMAGILD. COVER SHIT THAT IS IMPORTANT TO YOU IN GOLD. FOREVER.

I was dead serious about starting up this business model. Josh was clearly less interested in the business side of it and more interested in questioning how this would actually work. If you covered a dead creature in gold, would the inside rot? What would happen then if you dropped it and it broke open? Or since no air could get in, would it be perfectly embalmed inside? How much would a gold-covered-great-dane weigh? How could our target demographic (redneck losers) afford to have their shit covered in gold? Could you PERMAGILD liquids?

We pondered out loud about these and other questions for a long time. I drifted back toward the business model, suggesting that we also start up a scrap-gold-buying business on the side to stock the liquid gold buckets we would need to dip all this shit in. Josh said that was dumb. I said he was dumb. Then we went to bed where we talked like little girls until 3 in the morning.


Would anyone actually buy stuff if I dropped out of school and started this business? I guess with gold at a record high right now, this may not be feasible.



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2 responses to “Perm-A-Gild

  1. Ha!

    That would be sweet. I say just stick with a fake heavy duty Gold spray (lead based) paint. Cover it with small print that denies everything you really are advertising for.

  2. I think I’ve found what my Christmas presents will be this year.

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