For some reason, my school is obsessed with Alaska. It’s the state they choose to learn every obscure detail about. I can’t explain why, but there is some strange supernatural connection between them and learning about Alaska.
One of my teachers asked me to give a presentation on the state for the fourth time, and I was getting a bit bored with it. So, I tried to locate some other stuff to say about it besides that it was huge, had a small population, and was cold and dark a lot. I decided to focus on some nature.
I’ve visited Alaska once before and it really is a beautiful place, but it is not one you want to get lost in. The only reason for that is the bear population. I remember going on a hike and my friend’s dad putting his hand over a huge pile of crap to see if it was warm. That way if it was we would know if the bear was anywhere near us and would rip our guts out. It wasn’t but he still proceeded to scream, “Bear!” as if it would scare off any 2,000 pound killing machine.
I decided to talk about nature, but in doing so realized that I am terribly affraid of these oversized killing machines. The class looked at me as I tried to explain the different way a bear could tear you apart and how hopeless an escape would be.
“Yes, they can climb trees and eat you”
“They don’t like mace, but you can try anyway”
“Go into the fetal possition and hope it plays with you for a while and gets bored”
These are legitiate pieces of advice that have been given to me. The students laughed, but I was serious. I decided to change the subject to a slightly scarrier topic, Sarah Palin, who is also from Alaska. They weren’t listening to me concerns about that either.