Tag Archives: Crazy

Bears: A legitimate fear

For some reason, my school is obsessed with Alaska. It’s the state they choose to learn every obscure detail about. I can’t explain why, but there is some strange supernatural connection between them and learning about Alaska.

One of my teachers asked me to give a presentation on the state for the fourth time, and I was getting a bit bored with it. So, I tried to locate some other stuff to say about it besides that it was huge, had a small population, and was cold and dark a lot. I decided to focus on some nature.

I’ve visited Alaska once before and it really is a beautiful place, but it is not one you want to get lost in. The only reason for that is the bear population. I remember going on a hike and my friend’s dad putting his hand over a huge pile of crap to see if it was warm. That way if it was we would know if the bear was anywhere near us and would rip our guts out. It wasn’t but he still proceeded to scream, “Bear!” as if it would scare off any 2,000 pound killing machine.

I decided to talk about nature, but in doing so realized that I am terribly affraid of these oversized killing machines. The class looked at me as I tried to explain the different way a bear could tear you apart and how hopeless an escape would be.

“Yes, they can climb trees and eat you”

“They don’t like mace, but you can try anyway”

“Go into the fetal possition and hope it plays with you for a while and gets bored”

These are legitiate pieces of advice that have been given to me. The students laughed, but I was serious. I decided to change the subject to a slightly scarrier topic, Sarah Palin, who is also from Alaska. They weren’t listening to me concerns about that either.


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Fight or Flight?

Today I was invited to go on a field trip at my school. I’m not sure about you, but when I was in grade school the field trips were the most placid places we could find. We’d either take a ten minute drive to a boyscout camp or go to Plymouth Plantation where we’d look at a rock and churn butter for four hours.

I was expecting the same. When they told me yesterday where we were going I heard “Grundschule” or the equivilant of elementary school. So, I was gearing up for a boring afternoon. Instead, to my surprise, we ended up going to a “Hund Schule”, or dog school. This is the place where they train police dogs to maim and scare the crap out of people.

Now, I’m one for adventure and pushing the limits a bit, but the kids we were with were about 10 or 11. I can only imagine what the over-protective soccer moms would say in the states.

“You want to take my kid where? Over my dead mini-van.”

I love dogs, and actually have experience with police trained dogs. When I was 16, I asked for a puppy and got a four year old german shepard with police training. She was a great dog, but not something everyone could get along with. My dog, Denny, thrived off of fear. One of my friends had the unfortunate quirk of being scared of dogs. Whenever he came over to my house he would eventually have to use the bathroom and wouldn’t come back for about an hour. When my friends and I eventually found him later Denny was happily sitting and staring at my friend who was being held in a corner. Needless to say, I sure as hell wouldn’t take thirty ten-year-old kids to a police dog training school. It’s asking for trouble.

We pulled up to this very discrete location where the teacher next to me informed me that this place “used to train the special police in the G.D.R. Now they only train dogs”

We then unloaded the bus of about 30 students to a welcome sound of pistol gun fire and the scariest women I’ve ever seen. Here she quickly informed us that,

“if a dog is running at you, stand still, and for the love of God, don’t look it in the eyes.”

I didn’t quite understand this. If a hundred pound attack dog runs at a human, than the natural reaction is to look at it, scream, run, and pee oneself – not necissarily in that order. The last thing a person would do is look up and stand in place while the dog runs at them.

The tour was really cool. We got to see the dogs run through their drills and attack some guys wearing some body armor glove. The only real moment of anxiety happened when they let all the students pat one of the dogs. The dog seemed pretty calm, but they were testing gun fire on some of the other dogs, to make sure they still obey orders with loud sounds. Well, the dog we were petting wasn’t quite used to this yet and quickly freaked out and almost took off about ten kids heads.

Overall, it was a fun trip, but I think the Germans have a different concept of field trips than we do in the States.


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Links For the Midweek

Palin Fraud Case Building. Used State Funds to Have Children Travel.

Awkward Scrabble (xkcd comic)

India’s going to the moon.

Jon Stewart’s quiz on what a real American is. Sarah Palin cries somwhere.

“Academic Salaries” (web comic, but real and kind of sad)

Law makers want a domestic spy agency?

In case you’ve forgotten, a list of all the Bush scandals.

Another conservative jumps on the Obama bandwagon.

Chimpanzee riding a segway

This is why America is falling apart:

Ooops. What did he say?

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