Unsanitary Obsession

I have to say the that the people at my school are obsessed with the idea of Halloween. I’ve been giving lectures on it in my classes for the past month and a half. I think they just can’t get their heads around the fact that the U.S. might have a unique cultural event that isn’t really celebrated in other places, or if it is, it’s a weak carbon copy of the tradition that thrives in the states.

They’ve asked me so many questions about it, that I think I’ve started to propagate some false myths. I didn’t mean to.

They asked me, “Are zer typical games one playz on Halloveen?”

So, I told them that, “Yes, sometimes people bob for apples.”

Their eyes widened as I explained the details. I’m pretty sure I’ve bobbed for apples once in my life. And if there’s any Halloween tradition that is dieing out then it is apple bobbing. It’s one of those things that should’ve died out with using x-rays to fit shoes, blood letting, or popped collars – just bad ideas. But they were having none of it and seemed to think it was an essential part of the holiday.

I was never a fan of this game, even when I was a kid. I think it might be the most unsanitary thing ever created. But for the past few weeks, the teachers and the students have been nagging me constantly to organize an apple bobbing game on Halloween. I’m pretty sure the bird flu is going to break out at my school and I’ll be the one solely responsible for the oncoming epidemic. There’s going to be about 200 kids sticking their faces into the same tub of mealy apples and old tap water.

I’m sure as hell not participating. If they ask me to demonstrate I’ll just draw an example on the board while I wear my haz-mat suit and prey I don’t catch some strange disease that is sure to spread throughout Germany over the next month.

I’ll blame it on their stubborn obsession with apples and water, but if they decide to arrest me for the sure to be disease outbreak, call the embassy.

I’m innocent; I swear.