Passive Aggressive Food Habits That Will Piss Off Your Roommates

Having two sisters, a family that loves to snack, and several roommates, I must say I’ve seen some of the craziest snacking habits there are. A few of these are just evil, and when done will leave their helpless victim confused and in a strangely bad mood.

1) The Disappearing Marshmallow! This fiendish person steals all the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms or any other cereal that will lead to diabetes. They leave the bland nasty cardboard hoops that make chewing on sand seem like a good idea. Your forced to eat this cereal because you’ve already filled your bowl and are too lazy to put it back. If you’re lucky you may get a stray horseshoe which you will bitterly save and eat last as if making some kind of statement. You then confront all your roommates, but they are all sure to deny having any involvement, leaving you in an uncontrollable rage which makes you lash out and look like an asshole. But all you want are some goddamn marshmallows in your cereal. The only way to catch the culprit is by checking the toilet boil for rainbow colored poo stains, and this is a job no one wants to do.

2) Frosting Fiend- A cruel, evil, and strange ritual. This person will eat the frosting in the middle of the Oreos, stick them back together, and then put the debased cookie back in the box. You reach for a delicious treat after pouring a heaping glass of milk only to recoil in disgust realizing some lunatic has just ruined your favorite snack and appetite. Admittedly, you’ll get the last laugh in that these cookies are notoriously bad for your heart, but they still taste like something from King George’s personal snack cabinet. The culprit will again deny any involvement, but will most likely start to experience heart problems.

3) Spooner– You wake up at the ass crack of dawn and only want a little quiet and a nice cup of coffee. You go through the ritual and pour your cup. You then reach for the spoon in the sugar bowl only to realize it has been contaminated. There is a 4 pound ball of congealed coffee sugar attached to the spoon and more coffee lumps floating around in the sugar bowl. Some smart ass decided to use the spoon to stir their coffee, and then thought it be a good idea to stick it back in the bowl. You’re still too tired to do anything and leave the bowl for the next person to deal with. You bitterly drink your black coffee and head off to a most-likely ruined day.

4) The Double Dipper – Unlike most of our culprits, this person makes no effort to cover their tracks. It’s this in-your-face assault that makes it so much worse. A group of friends gathers to watch a movie or hang out and of course there are some chips and salsa. As the double dipper sneeze and hacks up a lung they eat half their chip, lick it, and then stick it back into the salsa for some more. Most of the people didn’t notice, but you sure as hell did. No more salsa for you, but you’ll also be avoiding the plague. The unfortunate people at the party who didn’t notice will come down with a horrible cold in a few days and not know why.

5) Food Bandit – You spend about half your pay-check a week on your groceries. You buy a steak or some other beautiful specimen of food and look forward to eating it all week. You say, “Friday, I’m going to have a wonderful meal.” Little do you realize that the bandit has struck. You look in the fridge and on first glimpse don’t see it.

A slight hint of panic enters your mind, but you brush it off. It’s probably in the back of the fridge, right? It’s been a day or two since you bought it..

The the true panic hits. You start swearing and throwing old Chinese food against the wall, tearing up salad, eating raw salami, but all to no avail. The food is gone and on its way to the sewers. You shed a small tear, eat the old Chinese food which makes you sick, and head to bed.

6) Chipper – Everyone loves to grab the occasional handful of chips from the communal chip bag, but not all of us like to close the bag. Despite being 90% preservatives chips have a tendency to turn bad quicker than a crack addict with no money. You reach in and grab a handful, making a slight mental note that the bag was open. “Probably fine,” you think. Wrong. Your mouth is hit with a chewy cardboard that sticks between your teeth. You run to the sink and try to wash it out, but those chips are going to be lodged in your mouth for a good couple of hours.

7) I’ll eat it later – My, my, that take-out was good. So was that food we made the other day. Best save it. Now, don’t get me wrong leftovers are amazing, but this person seems to have some kind of amnesia about the food they leave behind. About a week after this person has forgotten a strange odor starts to emanate from the kitchen, a growl may be heard. You open the fridge door and a small furry creature has taken over. An entire shelf has been compromised. You are forced to go shopping and spend the rest of the little money you have.

Which one are you? Know of any others?

Ear Ache

My host family loves to listen to the radio. It’s always on, especially at meal times. It’s a very strange relationship they have with it. First, it always has to be on. It’s part of their nutrition. Without it they will shrivel up and fade away. As for the music, they seem to sort of tolerate it. They talk over it and just have it on as background noise and wait anxiously for the half hour news updates.

Talking is forbidden during the news updates. I found this out the hard way. While eating some toast, I tried to contribute to the conversation just as the news came on. All I received in response was a cold stare and silence. I thought I had just said “apple pee” in German. After the news was over though they smiled and answered my question. Very strange.

My relationship with German radio is very different though. I know hate is a strong word, but I have to use it in this case. I hate it. I think Germany is where English speaking bands go to die. I come down in the morning hoping for a nice peaceful breakfast, but instead get to hear such great hits as moonlight shadow, Gotta Be Someday by Nickelback, or Leave Out all the Rest by Linkin Park. There are also many bands and songs which I have never heard before, nor do I want to hear again. The music sounds like a third grade orchestra performance and the rhymes and lyrics are so simple a lobotomy patient could make them better. Here’s an example that plastered itself in my head on repeat for four hours:

“I know you love me. Why can’t this just be? Lets run away together! We’ll be there forever.”

It doesn’t even make sense. I tried looking for the lyrics to see what kind of sick individual made this but apparently the band only exists on German radio.

I was convinced that the Gemans just didn’t understand the lyrics. That was how they could tolerate it. I thought this until I realized that once a day some twisted English speaking guy translates one of the corniest songs he can find from English into German. They then proceed to play the song on repeat for the next twenty-four hours.

The scary part is, is that I’m starting to get used to the music. I caught myself singing a long forgotten 80’s hit in the shower yesterday and stopped in horror.

I must resist.

They’re trying to convert me.

My defenses are weakening.

Send help.